Fantastic Four
by Midnight Phantasma
Summary: It was with great dread that Allen picked up his beeping phone, eyes shying away from the bright screen glowing amidst the dimness of his room. After all, nothing good ever came from that message group Lavi had thought to create and drag him into. "I'm doomed…"
1. Allen Walker: The Demon Poker King

**A/N:** Um, sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid idea, but I've been home sick all day and I had nothing better to do.

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 **Disclaimer** **:** Don't own! :P

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Chapter 1

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— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Allen~**

Unlocking his cell phone with a swipe of his finger, Allen simultaneously got up to stumble across his room and switched on the light. He rubbed at his still tired eyes, noting that it was past midnight and with a few clicks, pulled up the message group that Lavi had thought to title as the _Fantastic Four_. Allen had never even watched the movie…

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _How many is one bluff too many?_

 **Stupid Face:  
** _Idiot rabbit! I'm sitting right next to you!_

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _I was asking our shortstack! Sheesh Yuu…_

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!_

(Of course "TooGayToFunction" was referring to Lavi. Allen thought the older boy was little too flamboyant for his own good. And "Stupid Face"… Well, that was pretty self-explanatory.)

"Damn, I should just go back to sleep," the white-haired teen grumbled to himself, but nonetheless, typed out a quick reply.

 **Me:**  
 _Alright, I'll bite. What the hell is going on?_

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _Shortstack! You're awake! Perfect! Now answer my question! :)_

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _I knew this was a mistake…_

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _Oh! And I have another question… What's the proper betting size for a beginner?_

 **Me:**  
 _Betting? Bluffing? Damn it! Are you guys playing poker? Please tell me you're doing this at home!_

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _Nope! Go big or go home I always say!_

Allen groaned, and almost tossed his phone out the window in frustration.

 **China Girl:**  
 _Lavi! You never say that! What have you guys gotten yourselves into this time around?!_

(Not that Allen had anything against Lenalee, but if Komui were ever to get a hold of his phone and find his sister's name within it, it would be Allen who would pay… _in blood_.)

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _It was the rabbit's idea!_

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _Yuu! Don't throw me under the bus now!_

 **China Girl:**  
 _Where are you guys?!_

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _At the bar by 5th avenue._

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _Yuu traitor!_

 **China Girl:**  
 _I'm coming down to get you! No arguments!_

 **TooGayToFuntion:**  
 _Don't! It's too late now anyway. These guys are big and scary. They'll beat us up before we go anywhere…_

 **Me:**  
 _Lavi! How much money have you put down?!_

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _More than we've got together combined._

 **Me:**  
 _… Nice going idiots. Fine. I'll meet you guys down there and take care of it._

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _I knew we could count on you, shortstack! You're the best! :D_

Allen clicked his phone shut with a huff, grumbling beneath his breath as he blearily leaned down to pick up his clothes from earlier and got dressed. Once the fifteen-year-old had pulled on his boots and grabbed his coat and keys, he finally shut the lights off in his room and begin to head out, pointedly ignoring the older man and woman canoodling on the couch.

"Eh? Where are _you_ off to?" Cross demanded distractedly.

"Out," was Allen's short reply before he swiftly ducked out and snapped the door shut. He then rushed downstairs and out of the apartment complex. The bar Kanda had mentioned was only two blocks away, so Allen figured it wouldn't be too bad of a walk. As he hurried along, he threw on his coat, shoving his hands into the pockets and dipping his head down, knowing it was better to be quick and avoid trouble. It wasn't until he was three-quarters of the way there that his phone buzzed once more.

 **China Girl:**  
 _Allen, do you need me to come pick you up?_

 **Me:**  
 _I'm already walking. I should be there in five._

 **TooGayToFunction:**  
 _Good because a new guy came in and he's fucking scary._

 **Stupid Face:**  
 _Then maybe you should stop betting more money you asshole!_

Cursing under his breath, Allen shoved his phone back into his pocket and quickened his steps, practically speeding up to a jog, until the bar finally came into sight. From his distance, Allen could see Lenalee already pulling up in her car.

"Allen!" Lenalee waved him over, and he rushed over, grabbing her wrist and pulling her along without a word. It wasn't difficult to spot Kanda and Lavi once they arrived inside. A small crowd was beginning to form around their table, and Allen could only curse further once he noticed it was Tyki of all people that was playing against them.

"Alright you two, out," Allen grumbled, and for once, Kanda and Lavi were quick to comply. "I'm taking their place," he grunted with finality, eyeing each of the players as if daring them to argue.

"Hello, boy. It's been a while," Tyki smirked from his place across from him. "You can be sure I'll beat you this time around. Your friends haven't left you in a very desirable position, after all."

Allen couldn't help it as his black side began to seep out. Lips curling into a sneer, he replied, "We'll see."

"Yeah! You show them, Allen— _ow_!" Lavi whimpered, and Allen could only thank the Lord above that someone was finally keeping him under control.

The fifteen-year-old gathered Lavi's discarded cards, and avoided the urge to frown. They were _awful_. It appeared that he had his work cut out for him. To the rest of the world though, he appeared unruffled and the epitome of calm. A mastery that was his poker face.

"Let's get started."

* * *

"Royal Straight Flush!" Allen declared in conclusion, setting his cards down with a wicked, sharp-tooth smirk that made everyone within the vicinity shudder. By this point in time, the table was empty with the exception of Tyki. Once Allen had joined the game, players had quickly begun to gather the little money they had left before ducking out. Out of pride (and talent of his own), Tyki had remained through it all, stubborn with the idea of one-uping Allen. But Allen was true to his demon poker playing skills, and gradually tore them all apart, not only regaining the money Lavi and Kanda had lost, but piling on additional winnings.

Trying to maintain the little dignity he had left, Tyki set his cards on the table face-down. "I see this round goes to you once again, cheater boy."

"Of course," Allen smirked, ever the modest one.

"Unfortunately, I have nothing left to bet, so I should get going," Tyki frowned as he got up.

His black side still exposed while also feeling slightly arrogant from the constant winnings, Allen jabbed, "Yes. Wouldn't want to walk away with nothing but your underwear like you did last time around, would you?"

"You'll never let me live that down," Tyki huffed as he put on his coat. "See you around, boy."

Allen didn't get a chance to reply, for soon he was suffocating beneath the weight and force of Lavi's hug. "Woohoo! You did it, shortstack! You were damn scary, but we still love you anyway!" Lavi cheered with a shout, before greedily snatching up the winnings.

Unimpressed, Allen crossed his arms and glared up at him, silently waiting. "Alright, alright," Lavi relented sheepishly, and split the money four ways, even giving Lenalee a part of the share. "Happy now?"

"Meh," Allen shrugged, before grinning. "I hate you guys. I can't believe you dragged me out here at this time of night."

"You two really should be more responsible," Lenalee joined in, scolding them lightly.

"You say that," Lavi teased, "But I don't see any rejection of the money."

"I'm wasting precious time and gas on you two," she huffed, albeit jokingly. "I totally deserve my share."

"You're lucky the beansprout showed up rabbit," Kanda threw in distractedly, busy as he counted his share. "I would've killed you otherwise."

"No way! All of you just need to admit that I am an amazing friend, and if it weren't for me, none of us wouldn't have even been here tonight!" Lavi declared, arms crossed and chin lifted high in mock arrogance.

Surprisingly, it was Lenalee who slugged him across the arm. "Yeah! I could've been home sleeping!"

Allen barked out a laugh, and soon, they were all joining in, leaning against each other, and laughing to the point where they had no idea as to why they were even doing so in the first place. Maybe that stupid message group had its ups after all.

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 **A/N:** I'm leaving the tag as incomplete; I might add to this. After all, the whole idea came from me questioning what these characters would name each other on their contacts list.(x Oh my gosh, I'm sick, quit judging me! XP

Review!


	2. Kanda Yuu: Living the Thug Life

**A/N:** Um, oh my gosh I promised myself that if I got at least five reviews, that I'd make another one of these.(x I didn't think it'd happen in a single day though! Hahahaha! Well thank you very much to **AnimeWarrioress 359** , **sieglinde-s** , **Shadow-X1999** , **Lena-luvs-cats** , and **jy24** for reviewing and ensuring that I'd update. xD

(By the way, I'm not making the same promise of updating if I get another five reviews. I've just learned my lesson on that.)

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 **Disclaimer** **:** Honestly, if I owned this manga, I'd probably be worst about updating than Hoshino is (and that's without the injuries or sicknesses). So, everyone should just take a moment to be grateful that the responsibility doesn't fall on me! Plus, my artistic ability could never compete with Hoshino-sensei's!

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Chapter 2

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— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Kanda~**

With a heated curse, Kanda ducked into yet another alleyway, jumping over strewn trash cans in his mad dash, only pausing to swiftly climb and hop over fences that got in his way. _Of course_ those dickheads were cowardly enough to gang up on him in the middle of the night where there were no witnesses! Any other time, Kanda would've given them a good beating, but for once, there had been more than he could handle, especially without his bokken to aid him (because what asshole carried a sword around a grocery store?! … Okay, admittedly, it was Tiedoll who'd prevented him from bringing it along when he sent him on that errand).

"He's over that way, you fucking retards!" the leader of the so-called gang shouted with a growl, and Kanda couldn't help it as he spat out another curse when he realized they'd actually spotted him. Sprinting across the street, he ducked into another alley, kicking down trash cans and debris in the hopes of slowing them down. Fortunately, he managed to gain some distance, but Kanda knew it was a matter of time before they'd catch up once more, and he refused to seek refuge back home.

Tossing a quick glance behind him, Kanda slowed down slightly and made a rash decision. He pulled out his phone and typed out a quick text before quickening his space once he heard them gaining on him. Figuring it'd be a while before any of the idiots that called themselves his friends would reply, he made a dash for the fire escape, knowing that the huge group of fuckers would have a harder time of it climbing up the narrow stairways.

Kanda smirked, hearing cursing and shoving as he finally hopped atop the roof and dashed across, fearlessly jumping down onto the lower building that neighbored it. 22nd Street was over another two blocks, and with the way his phone kept buzzing in his pocket, he figured the others would be there soon. As he jumped onto the next building, Kanda ducked down onto the next fire escape, pausing long enough to read through the text messages.

 **Me:**  
 _Pick me up on 22nd St. ASAP_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _What the hell you idiot, it's the middle of the night!_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Don't listen to our dear shortstack, Yuu! We'll pick you up!_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _With whose permission? I'm the one with a car, Lavi!_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Aw, come on! Kanda never asks for our help! Must be an emergency!_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _… Oh, alright! But you owe me big time! I have a huge test tomorrow morning!_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _Yeah, no thanks. Have fun._

 **Beansprout:**  
 _Damn it, Lavi! That better not be you slamming on my door! Cross is going to slaughter me!_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Open up~ :)_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _We already showed up, Allen! GET DOWN HERE!_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _O_o Coming!_

Kanda would rather die before admitting that he was quite relieved to know that they were on their way. Pocketing his phone, Kanda cursed once more as he heard the thundering of running feet from the roof above and was spurred on to jump the rest of the way down and onto the pavement. Unfortunately, he didn't get far before some fucktard had the bright idea of launching themselves from the fire escape and onto his back. If Kanda were a lesser being, he most definitely would have toppled over.

As it was, Kanda was quick to twist himself around and use the other's momentum to slam them against the nearest dumpster. The idiotic gang member whimpered and was quick to crumple to the ground with a breathless gasp. Unfortunately, that'd given some of the others enough time to catch up to try and gang up on him while giving the others time to continue to make their way down.

With a nasty scowl, Kanda mercilessly grabbed the nearest one running at him, and with a bit of effort, swung him around and slammed him against the few others that were nearing them, causing a load of confusion as they attempted to orientate themselves.

Kanda booked it. Going back out into the open street, he ducked between parked cars and launched himself onto the other side of the street, noticing from the corner of his eye the gang members also stumbling out from the alley and shouting expletives as they stubbornly continued their chase after him, appearing a lot more pissed now that he'd taken a couple of them down, temporary as it might have been.

It wasn't until he'd momentarily lost them again, that he checked his phone once more.

 **Pigtails:**  
 _Hold tight, Kanda, we're on our way!_

 **Benasprout:**  
 _Where the hell are you?!_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _This isn't funny, Yuu! Where are you?!_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _If you don't answer soon, Kanda, we're going to come looking._

Hoping it wasn't too late, Kanda typed out a fast reply.

 **Me:**  
 _Stay where you are. I'm still trying to shake off the gang members._

Of course, that elicited that quickest replies Kanda had gotten yet.

 **Beansprout:**  
 _Gang members?! You fucking idiot!_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Whoa Yuu, you're so cool! *-*_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _Are you okay?! Are you hurt?! Kanda!_

 **Me:**  
 _Calm your shit! … Fuck, they're gaining on me!_

Kanda shoved the phone back into his pocket, launching himself into a sprint and ducking around another corner. Just another block, and he'd make it; from here, he could even make out Lenalee's bright red car. And as if spotting him as well, the car's engine revved up before speeding over to his side of the road. Without stopping, he heard the idiotic rabbit throw open the back car door nearest him, shouting, "Jump aboard, Yuu!"

"You asshole!"

Without a second thought, Kanda spun around to counterattack the guy's fist and grabbed the back of his head, slamming his face against his raised knee before tossing him aside. The others were unable to react once they caught up, because by then, Kanda had launched himself into the back of Lenalee's car and slammed the door shut.

Nonchalantly, Kanda muttered a grudging, "Thanks."

The silence was practically deafening to Kanda's ears after the constant shouting, cursing, and running. But of course, it didn't last long. Moments later, Lenalee's shrieks of him being hurt, as well the beansprout's insults and the rabbit's gushing resounded throughout the car in a mass of jumbled words that Kanda could hardly discern. But it certainly didn't stop any one of them from shouting over each other.

Kanda supposed that this one time he'd take it without a word.

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 **A/N:** A bit shorter than the last one, but it's passable.(x Haha, I hope you all liked it and let me know what you think.(:


	3. Lavi Bookman: A Happy-Go-Lucky Trickster

**A/N:** Six months and 15 reviews later, I finally recalled that this… _thing_ even existed. My bad. So I sat down to see what other stupid thing I could come up with. Unfortunately, I came up with nothing. Which is what I have given you in this chapter.(:

Thank you to **The Ruisu** , **jy24** , **likestoread418** , **AlwaysMoreFun** , **Guest** , **Takei Daloui** , **Lena-luvs-cats** , **Simplewriting** , **nikonekonyan** , **melovecats** , **Guest #2** (x2), **Guest #3** (x2), and **Alice2795** for reviewing! Sorry I made you wait this long for an update. I was rereading your reviews, and remembered that some people genuinely enjoyed this!

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 **Disclaimer** **:** Not in your dreams. Actually, not in my dreams either, which is actually kind of sad. You'd think they'd be on my side, but instead they just give nightmares of finding uneaten beans in the sink. (That wasn't even a joke, I swear.)

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Chapter 3

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— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Lavi~**

Cheerful as usual, Lavi happily hummed to himself as he restocked his gramps' bookshop. The old panda had been kind enough to offer him a job, and with nothing better to do than avoiding death by katana, Lavi had agreed. It was relaxing, peaceful even, and of course, it was the place where Lavi came up with his greatest ideas.

Any moment now… aha! Perfect.

Setting a book down, Lavi paused long enough to slip his phone out and rapidly typed out a text. As expected his phone soon began buzzing. Lavi allowed it to simmer a bit longer, before finally replying.

 **Me:**  
 _Name one person you hate, in 3…2…1…GO! ;D_

 **Shortstack:**  
 _I'd say you, but even Cross has got you beat._

 **LenaLady:**  
 _Leverrier._

 **Yuu-Chan~:**  
 _The rabbit, beansprout, Komui, Cross, Tiedoll, Alma, Leverrier, everyone in the beansprout's fucking family, and everyone else in this shithole of a city._

 **Shortstack:**  
 _… Why are we friends with this asshole again?_

 **LenaLady:**  
 _It's okay, Allen. He doesn't really mean it. He's just pissed off because I beat him at Mario Kart again._

 **Me:**  
 _Damn, Yuu! What were you thinking?! You know our dear Lenalee kills at Mario Kart!_

 **Yuu-Chan~:**  
 _Fuck off!_

 **Shortstack:**  
 _Someone needs to learn to manage their anger~._

 **Yuu-Chan~:**  
 _Well, SOME people need to learn to manage their stupidity!_

 **LenaLady:**  
 _Why do I even bother?_

 **Me:**  
 _Because you love us~! :3_

 **Me:**  
 _Anyway! Back to the question at hand! So, for Lenalee it's Leverrier. For Allen, Cross. Yuu needs to get his act together and pick one, and I of course, choose Deak._

 **Shortstack:**  
 _For the last fucking time! You DON'T have a long lost twin brother, Lavi!_

 **Me:**  
 _Do too! And I bet he's an asshole!_

 **LenaLady:**  
 _Lavi, just drop it._

 **Me:**  
 _Fine, whatever. Yuu? Are you going to choose someone?_

 **Yuu-Chan~:**  
 _Don't fucking call me that! And no, I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally._

 **Me:**  
 _Then it's settled! Everyone meet up the usual place at 7! Don't be late~.(;_

Lavi clicked his phone shut with a smirk, ignoring any further buzzing. But just as his hand reached for the next book on the stack, an even thicker tome was slammed against his head. "Oh fuck, _ow_! What the hell, gramps?!" Lavi demanded, nursing his tender head.

"Idiot boy," the old Bookman snapped and leaned down to pick up the tome before Lavi could kick it out of his reach. "I gave you this job so that you could _work_ , not fool around! Not get back to work before I fire you!"

"He says that every day," Lavi grumbled underneath his breath, before managing to duck and avoid the next flying book. "Alright, alright, old panda! I'm working!"

* * *

"Lena-Lady!" Lavi beamed, "Just on time, like always!"

"Hello, Lavi!" Lenalee grinned, making her way down the pathway of the park. Once she reached his side, Lenalee eyed him suspiciously and asked, "So what's this about? Last time you were bored you raided the principal's office and replaced all the paperwork with fast food job applications. If this is anything like that, count me out!"

"Lenalee! I would _never_ involve you in something so juvenile!" Lavi exclaimed, appearing affronted. He then went on to explain, "I, in fact, was doing some light reading—Hamlet by Shakespeare, just in case you were curious. And you know, I got to thinking that everyone needs a little revenge in their lives."

"Um, really, Lavi? Hamlet? Didn't they all die at the end?" Lenalee deadpanned.

Lavi gasped, staggering back, hands clasping against his ears. "No spoilers, Lenalee!"

"What the hell did I just walk into?" Kanda demanded.

The duo jumped in surprise. "Oh, hello there Yuu!" Lavi beamed, neatly ducking beneath the fist aimed for his face.

"Lavi's got it in his head that we must take revenge against our enemies," Lenalee explained with a shake of her head and a sigh.

"Oh? Is this an invitation to give you a beating?" Kanda snarked.

Backing away, hands raised as if to protect himself and a nervous smile in place, Lavi chuckled, "Now, now, Yuu, no one here is giving anyone a beating."

"Call me that one more time and you'll find out that's not the case," Kanda growled, taking a step forward, fists raised. Fortunately for the redhead, Lenalee's hand prevented him from going any further.

"Cut it out you two," Lenalee scolded, "At this point, I think we should be more worried about Allen! He's probably gotten lost yet again!"

"Ah, don't worry about that! I got it covered!" Lavi grinned, before a hauling out a megaphone and shouting into it, "GET YOUR FREE HOTDOGS! FREE HOTDOGS EVERYONE! FREE FRIES AND FREE DRINKS TOO! GATHER AROUND AND TAKE WHAT YOU LIKE!"

Lenalee and Kanda grasped their ears, cringing away from the earsplitting noise and the families and couples still at the park shot them odd looks. It even drew a few excited customers from the distance, who only grew disappointed when they realized it was just a bunch of stupid teenagers messing around at the park. But, if Lavi said so himself, the idea was quite genius, for soon a familiar, white-haired teen had arrived before them with a gasp.

"F-free food?" When Allen finally realized it was just a hoax, he groaned, "Ugh! Not this again, Lavi!"

"But it worked, am I right?" Lavi grinned, though it seemed not even Lenalee and Kanda found it as hilarious as he did. He huffed, "Tough crowd."

Of course, after the stunt, they were soon kicked out of the park.

* * *

"Ow. Damn it, Allen, you're stepping on my hand."

"Well maybe if _someone_ wasn't taking up all the space!"

"Fuck you!"

"Lavi, if your face gets any closer to my chest, I swear I'll sick Komui on you!"

"Damn, would you all shut it? We're going to get caught!"

"Why the hell are we even hiding out in the bushes in the first place?!"

"Quiet down and let me explain," Lavi hissed, and once they complied, he continued, voice hushed, "See that house, straight across the street? That's Leverrier's place! I was originally going to target Cross, but he's _pretty_ fucking terrifying, so I opted for Leverrier. Now—"

"Hey, beansprout," Kanda hissed, unashamedly cutting Lavi off, "Isn't that your stalker?"

"Eh?! I don't have a stalker!"

Everyone peeked up to observe the blonde-haired teen making his way into Leverrier's house.

"What? Allen! Why didn't you _tell_ me two-dots was your stalker?!" Lavi demanded.

"I don't _have_ a stalker!" Allen hissed.

"It's okay, Allen," Lenalee murmured understandingly, "I have a stalker too. Don't be afraid to open up."

"What?! Lenalee has a stalker?!" they all demanded.

"Yes," she admitted, "It's one of Komui's coworkers. His name is Bak Chang. When I visited Komui's workplace, I got lost and stumbled into his office, and he had a whole shrine dedicated to me behind his desk. It's pretty scary…"

There was a shocked silence, and then, even more shockingly, Kanda whispered, aura sinister, "I had a stalker once…"

They all shuddered, not even wanting to imagine what Kanda would have done. And feeling very left out, Lavi added somberly, "Me too…"

They all shot him an odd glance. "Really?" Lenalee whispered, "What happened?"

"Uh…"

"You know," a different voice altogether spoke up, causing them to freeze, "You all aren't as quiet as you seem to think. Whoever you are, you better scram. The cops will be here in five minutes."

"Run!"

They jumped up, and shoved Link aside, scrambling down the road. "Revenge shall be ours!" Lavi called back, only to be seized by Allen and Kanda alike and forcefully dragged off.

* * *

 **A/N:** Short and pointless as usual. Sorry to have wasted your time. But since you're here, you might as well review!(:


	4. Lenalee Lee: A Friend to Transvestites

**A/N:** And a thanks to **The Ruisu** , **jy24** , **Alice2795** , **Qwertyuiop** , and **pikaree1** (x3) for reviewing! Enjoy! (I think?)

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 **Disclaimer** **:** Who am I kidding? I'd just butcher the dang plot, so that's a nope for me!

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Chapter 4

* * *

— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Lenalee~**

Lenalee clamped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to smother down her laughter as she scrolled through the text messages of her ridiculous friends. Settling back against the couch cushions, she absentmindedly grabbed some popcorn from the bowl beside her and typed out a reply with her other hand. It was a nice, quiet Saturday morning—until Komui came bursting through the front door, causing her to knock the bowl of popcorn over as she shoved her phone in between the couch cushions with a terrified squeak.

"LENALEE!" Komui cried, dumping his paperwork in the front hall and stomping into the living room, unceremoniously collapsing onto her lap in a mess of limbs, ignoring the popcorn being crushed underneath him.

"Um, hello Brother," Lenalee chuckled nervously, patting his head in attempt to calm his crying.

"It was _awful_! I finally completed the finishing touches on my beautiful Komurin, but the other scientists were so green with envy, they _destroyed him_!" Komui wailed and blubbered, burying his face into her lap. Lenalee got the feeling he wasn't telling her the complete story, but nonetheless comforted him to the best of her abilities.

An hour later, Komui was curled up beside her watching TV.

Sending him a discreet glance, Lenalee slowly dug her cell phone back out and once she swiped in the password, she caught sight of Lavi's latest text message, which read:

 _Guys! I bought a new chair and you've got to try it out! :D It's a pregnancy chair!^-^ My birthing canal has never felt better!_

It was difficult to hold back a snort, unfortunately catching Komui's attention. Her brother pouted. " _Lenalee_! When am I ever going to meet these friends of yours?"

"Um, I…" she laughed nervously, "They're just all so busy with school and work. Maybe next summer?"

"But that's what you said about last summer before you disappeared on a road trip with them without even telling me!" Komui groused, crossing his arms.

Lenalee sighed, wishing she weren't the person that Komui decided to be childish with. But, he had to get it out of his system somehow. And he also had a point. It's not like she'd expected for Lavi to kidnap her last summer, and she was lucky Komui hadn't come running after them. She was only saved by the fact that she told him that it was an all-girls trip and that he couldn't _possibly_ barge in.

"Well, yes, but—"

"No 'buts', Lenalee! I demand to meet these friends of yours! I need to know what kind of influence they have on my precious sister!" Komui decided.

Suddenly lightheaded and clutching her phone close to her, Lenalee stumbled to her feet. "Uh, I have to go pee," she mumbled, before rushing upstairs and locking herself in her room.

 **Me:**  
 _911!_

The replies were instant, but Lenalee ignored their frantic demands to know if she was okay, in order to explain the situation in the best way she knew.

 **Me:**  
 _Code 425! We don't have much time you guys! He's lost his patience, and you know how childish Komui can be!_

 **Lavender:**  
 _Pssh. Is that it? Not to worry, Lena-Lady! I've got a contingency plan for everything! ;)_

 **Kandina:**  
 _No! Under no circumstances am I going to be involved in one of your schemes, rabbit!_

 **Lavender:**  
 _Eh?! When have I ever had a bad idea?! Wait. Yuu, are you still mad about what happened at the Mexican border?_

 **Ally:**  
 _As much as I hate to say it, I'm with Lavi. If it's for Lenalee's sake, we should do it._

 **Lavender:**  
 _I'm happy to hear you say that, because this indirectly involves you, shortstack~. ;)_

 **Ally:  
** _Lenalee! A little help here?! D:_

 **Me:**  
 _Enough, all of you. Meet up at Lavi's place in five. I'm sorry, Allen, but I don't think I have an option at this point._

Lenalee clicked her phone shut with a grimace. It was now evident that changing the name of her friends into something more girly in her contacts list was no longer going to be enough for Komui.

* * *

"No. No, no, _no_! I am _not_ wearing that!" Allen shouted, concealing behind himself Lenalee. Said girl sighed as she was forced to watch Lavi jumping around with a dress in his hands and Kanda leaning against the wall, a smirk in place.

"Didn't you say you'd do anything for Lenalee's sake, beansprout?" Kanda taunted.

"W-well, _yes_ ," Allen mumbled, before shouting indignantly, "But I never agreed to _this_!"

"Don't sweat it Allen," Lenalee turned to Allen, a sweet smile in place, "I wouldn't force you to do anything like that. We'll figure something else out, okay?"

Relieved, Allen nodded. "Thanks, Lenalee," he smiled.

"Of course!"

Kanda scoffed quietly to himself, and then turned to Lenalee. "Why can't you have your insane brother meet one of your other friends? What were the names? Miranda? Chomesuke? What about the 'sprout's freaky cousin?"

"We are _not_ bringing Road into this," Allen hissed.

Rubbing her forehead in a futile attempt to abate the rising headache, Lenalee explained, " _Because_ , Komui is too nosy for his own good and wants to meet 'Ally' and 'Lavender.' Plus, he's _already_ met Miranda and Cho." She was just lucky her brother had yet to catch sight of the name 'Kandina', as that was a little too obvious. But she'd yet to come up with anything better, and the only reason that was Kanda's name on her contact's list was due to Lavi's meddling.

Lavi suddenly held the dress up to himself, expression thoughtful. "You think _I_ could pull this off?"

Lenalee cringed. Nope. Definitely _not_.

* * *

Later that evening, during dinner, Komui grinned and asked, "So, have you thought about what I've asked you, dear Sister?"

Without Lavi's "genius" plan, she was back to square one. Taking a deep breath, Lenalee hesitantly returned his smile and replied, "Um, yes, about that Brother—"

Lenalee was cut off by the ringing of the doorbell. She and her brother exchanged a startled glance. They hadn't been expecting company. Chair scraping back, her brother rose and left to answer the door. After a second of thought, Lenalee followed after him, curiosity piqued. Peeking around his shoulder, Lenalee could only gape once the door was pulled to open, to reveal the sight of who she could only guess to be the Allen.

Allen. It was _Allen_. But not her friend with the stark white hair and the angry red scar. No, it was Allen in Lavi's stupid grandma dress and wearing a blonde wig the concealed both his white hair and half his face, part of the wig styled to flop over his bloody scar.

Awkwardly, Allen shuffled on top of their doormat and spoke in barely a whisper, "Hello, sir. I'm Lenalee's friend. Ally."

The familiar laughter shaking the bushes of her front yard was unmistakable to Lenalee's ears.

* * *

 **A/N:** Um, sorry, I know I have issues. But you know what I love about this absurd fic? The fact that there is no plot or even common sense anywhere in sight. It's sort of like stress relief, even though it's summer, so I'm not even stressed, lol. By the way, who remembers Velcro? Maybe I should bring him in…

Anyway, review please!


	5. Allen Walker: Newest Owner of a Niisan

**A/N:** It's been over a year since I've updated this; since I've really updated anything, actually. But in all honesty, this year has been an absolute hell. And I'm not even talking about school (which I've also been doing all summer) or work. But my life has been an absolute hell. And I was sitting at work today, and suddenly decided to read some of my stuff, and I wanted to start to crying because I miss writing so much.

And I know this isn't much considering all my other stories, but it's something.

Thank you to **jy24** , **WinterYule** (x4), **Alice2795** , **Ennael** , **pikaree1** , **Mitsu-Drago27** (x2), **The Moyashi Beansprout Midget** , **stardancer1000** , **Kagamiyuki** , **Lena-luvs-cats** (x2), **CloudCarnivore** , and really, to anyone whose reviewed my stories in the past year. It means a lot.

* * *

 **Disclaimer** **:** Not in this life. Or next. Maybe. Probably.

* * *

Chapter 5

* * *

 **Allen Walker: Newest Owner of a Niisan**

* * *

— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Allen~**

It was a wonder that he could even manage to type out a text, considering how badly his hands were shaking from the outrage. And if it weren't for the fact that he was ambidextrous, Allen would have likely shattered his phone against the wall in a fit of rage, seeing as his right hand was currently… occupied. And of course, how convenient that Lavi had refused to answer any of his calls. Allen had nearly crushed his phone from the amount of times he'd already listened to Lavi's cheerful voicemail with every call the redhead declined.

 **Me:  
** _Damn you, Lavi! Pick up the phone!_

 **Stupid Face:  
** _Rabbit. If you don't take care of this problem right now, I will fucking slaughter you._

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _Okay, let's all calm down and look on the bright side!_

 **Me:  
** _The only bright side I see is the pounding I'm going to give you when you release us._

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _Tsk. Tsk. You're not convincing me at all, Shortstack. Plus, you're the one who asked for this, if I recall correctly. I'm just doing you a favor~. :3_

 **Stupid Face:  
** _Favor?! What depths of hell did you spawn from, rabbit?!_

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _That's not very nice, Yuu. And I'll have you know that Allen was looking to get a nii-san, and I thought you to be the perfect candidate! I'm just being a good friend._

 **Me:  
** _A Nissan! Not a nii-san! As in, the CAR! I was looking to buy a used car you incompetent dumbfuck!_

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _… Ohhhhhhh. Haha. Ha. My bad…_

 **Stupid Face:  
** _Get the fuck over here right now and bring the key._

 **TooGayToFunction:  
** _Heh. Sorry. You cuties will have to wait till I get back into town tonight… But hey! Make the most of your day! Knowing you two troublemakers, this day may include, but is not limited to: police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field. Don't forget to take pictures! Ciao!_

 **Me:  
** _WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO?!_

 **Stupid Face:  
** _I will rip your face off, rabbit._

But… Lavi quit answering, despite them spamming his phone with threats.

A tense silence ensued.

"Well… fuck," Kanda finally decided, shoving his phone in his pocket.

"You're telling me," Allen groused, holding up his right hand and rattling the chain between the handcuffs that would bind them for the remainder of the day. And what a long day it would be. "Think you can snap the chain off with your sword?"

Kanda shot him a glare. "It's a katana. And no." After a tense moment in which Allen glowered at him fiercely, Kanda finally admitted, "Tiedoll confiscated it…"

"How convenient," Allen huffed. "I'd say we take Cross' revolver and take a crack at it with a few bullets, but the man ran off to Las Vegas with some rich woman he met last night."

Kanda scowled. "You're out of your fucking mind if you think I'd let you anywhere near me with a gun, beansprout!"

"Well have you got any better ideas?" Allen demanded, pointedly rattling the chain.

Kanda pursed his lips, and then suggested, "How about Komui's drill?"

"No! No way! Not after what happened last week!" Allen snapped, shuddering at the memory.

"What? Did his dinner with _Ally_ not go so well?" Kanda taunted.

"Shut. Up," Allen hissed through gritted teeth, and then began to stalk off, forcibly dragging Kanda out of his apartment, where Lavi had gathered them and tricked them, before hopping out of a window like the rabbit he was. "I don't know about you, but I actually have stuff to get done, whether you like it or not."

"Hold up, beansprout—"

"It's _Allen_!"

"—You do not get to drag me around! You think I don't have stuff to do?!"

"That's not my problem!"

"The hell it is, you selfish brat!"

"Me? Selfish?! Surely you must be the epitome of selflessness you fucking twat!"

"Go to hell!"

"Too late! I'm already there!"

"Already there?! You're kidding. It literally _hurts_ listening to you!"

"And it literally hurts having you within a hundred meters of my person!"

"I'd rather have dental surgery than be within a hundred meters of you, Sprout!"

"Oh please! Cry me a river and go drown yourself in it!"

"The hell I will. Go find yourself a forest and get lost!"

"We could go on all day, but you know what else is an option, you kitchen-knife wielding pillock?! Slapping you!"

"Only if you were tall enough to reach my face, you pint-sized midget!"

By this point, Allen and Kanda had reached the parking lot of his apartment complex. The duo were so busy bickering and constantly yanking each other around with the handcuff chain, that they didn't see it coming. With a sharp thump, their heads were suddenly slammed together, but their sharp cry of pain was silenced by the angry glower of one Lenalee Lee.

If shame could burn in calories, Allen was sure he and Kanda would be back to their birth weight.

"I could hear the both of you from down the block," Lenalee huffed, crossing her arms. "I read the text messages, and we can talk about Lavi _later_ ," Lenalee emphasized, glaring them into submission when they seemed on the verge of bursting into another shouting match. But this time, over the redhead. "Whatever plans you two had for today, are officially postponed. Forcing the two of you together onto the rest of the town is a catastrophe waiting to happen, and I will not allow the two of you to get into any more trouble," Lenalee finished her speech, expression firm and arms crossed.

"All right then," Allen sighed, "What have you got in mind?"

Ten minutes later found the trio at a local hippie café, two streets away. Lenalee had forced him and Kanda to sit down on a couple of the beanbag chairs, and had placed a game of checkers between them. It remained untouched.

"Why, Lenalee?" Allen cried. "The food isn't even any good here!"

"And their tea taste like dirt," Kanda groused.

" _Well_ ," Lenalee giggled, "I decided to take advantage of this opportunity, and thought you two could bond through mutual hatred."

"Mutual hatred of what?" Allen huffed. "Sure, this place is trash, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it _hatred_."

"Hello! Welcome to the Magic Mushroom! Can I get anything for you today?"

At the familiar voice, both Allen and Kanda froze, and in unison, turned to glare at the form of Chaoji Han, who in turn became displeased at the sight of Allen.

"If you don't get out of my face right now, I will stab you," Kanda hissed. And though Allen didn't say anything, his stony glare was agreement enough.

Chaoji rushed to the backroom like a bat from hell.

Lenalee felt a little bit bad, but was able to send Lavi a private message.

 _Mission accomplished! :)_

* * *

 **A/N:** Don't be put off by the fact that this is marked as a complete. It's actually been like that, because it's not a plot driven story and there's no actual progress. So you can still have it on alert if you so please.


	6. Kanda Yuu: Does Not Approve of Stalkers

**A/N:** Getting my life back together, but decided to write this up real quick. The ideas came flowing pretty easily, haha. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy. And as always, sorry for the language.

Thanks to **jy24** , **Guest** (x2), **CloudCarnivore** , **EmeraldNorth** , and **stardancer1000** for all dropping a review! Love you guys!

* * *

 **Disclaimer** **:** I hold no ownership or rights, just a simple love for the characters that I've been writing about for so many years.

* * *

Chapter 6

* * *

 **Kanda Yuu: Does Not Approve of Stalkers**

* * *

— **3rd Person POV—**

 **~Kanda~**

Kanda should have known that a single day without trouble was too good to be true. Though it was hardly his fault, now was it? And for once, it appeared as though the rabbit and sprout had nothing to do with it. But Kanda had his doubts. "I swear," he muttered, hand reaching to grasp the hilt of his katana, "If those idiots have anything to do with this, they're goners."

Faster than the human eye could perceive, Kanda slid out his katana with a barely audible _shnnnng_ and with a neat pivot of his heal, spun and aimed the point of the blade to the hooded figure that had been following him for the past ten minutes. Time seemed to slow, as Kanda observed every motion and sound, his body tense and high on alert. But it was unnecessary. The only ones to react were the families and residents strolling through the shops of the town square. Probably not the best place to make his counter attack, but Kanda was hardly one to think long-term. Especially with his short temper.

The only feature that Kanda was able to glimpse at beneath the shadows of the hood was the smile that formed. It only served to irk him further.

A tense silence ensued between them. Kanda ignored the nervous chatter that erupted around him, but for once, considered that, attack first, ask questions later, was maybe not the best approach. So, he settled for interrogation.

Pressing the tip of the blade closer to their jugular, Kanda demanded, "Who are you?"

The figure shuffled from foot to foot, revealing their unease, but remained silent.

"Listen—" Kanda growled, but cut himself short when a crowd began to form around them. "Fuck this," he spat, sheathing his katana back, and stalking off.

"Not so fast!" an all too familiar voice interjected.

Kanda froze on his tracks. Shit.

"Kanda! Get back here! Your father is going to be very upset once he hears about this! Now, turn around, hand over the weapon, and get in!" Officer Moore Hesse commanded, opening the door to the back of her cop car.

"Why the hell should I?!" Kanda challenged her, turning around and crossing his arms stubbornly. Nodding over to the hooded figure, he spat, "That freak has been following me around all morning." An exaggeration, but maybe it would get that asshole talking.

Moore gazed at the hooded guy expectantly, but still, he refused to speak up.

"Then you can _both_ get in the car," she decided, just as stubborn. Unfortunately, Kanda had been in many similar situations and knew he would not get anywhere with her.

"Che. Blasted woman," Kanda grumbled.

"What was that?!"

"Nothing," he groused.

"Whatever. You two are coming down to the station with me, and we will settle whatever dispute you may have, civilly," Moore concluded.

"He was stalking me!"

"We'll see about that," Moore replied, voice stony. "Both of you, get in. _Now_."

Finally, Kanda gave in to her demands. But he was surprised that the other guy did as well. (Considering his stalker was as tall as him, he had no doubts he was male.)

And Moore may have confiscated his katana, but she hadn't taken his phone.

 **Me:**  
 _Getting dragged to the station again. Need a ride back._

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Ooooh. Yuu-chan is in trouble~!_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _Were you making little kids cry again, idiot?_

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Hahaha! I bet he finally cut one of them!_

 **Me:**  
 _It's you who I'm going to cut if I find out you're behind this!_

 **Pigtails:**  
 _Sigh. I can't ever get a break, can I? I'll drive over in a few minutes._

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Don't forget to pick us up, Lenalee! We want to see what trouble Yuu-chan caused this time!_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _You can count me out. I have better things to do with my time._

 **Rabbit:**  
 _Don't listen to him, Lena-Lady! We're at gramps' bookshop! We'll be waiting, eager as puppies!_ _;)_

 **Me:**  
 _You're all a bunch of idiots and I hate you._

 **Rabbit:**  
 _That means "I love you" in Yuu-chan speech! Love you too buddy, we'll see you in a bit!_

 **Beansprout:**  
 _Could you be any gayer?_

Before Kanda could argue that under no circumstances did he love any of them, they arrived at the station, and Moore took the liberty of snatching away his phone once they exited the car.

"Huh. Didn't take you for the popular type," Moore commented, observing the way his phone kept buzzing consistently as those idiots spammed his phone.

Kanda didn't even bother to deem that with a reply. So instead, Moore motioned for them to follow her into her small cubicle area, amongst the chaos of coffee runs, phones ringing, and police officers with the occasional civilian running amok. The sight was all too familiar to Kanda.

Dragging a few empty chairs over, Moore sat them down and began, "If we can settle this quickly and civilly, I will not make an official report. But only for the sake of your father, Kanda. I owe him a lot, but I cannot allow you to continue causing trouble!"

Kanda growled, "But I _already_ told you—"

"Right, right," Moore cut him off with a wave, much to his vexation. "A stalker, huh? Well?" she demanded, turning her fierce glower over to the other guy, "What have you got to say for yourself?!"

His stalker shifted nervously in his seat for a few moments, before finally, reaching up and tugging down his hood.

Kanda's slanted eyes nearly popped out.

With a nervous laugh, he answered Moore, "My name is Alma Karma, and it's a bit of a long story."

Unlike Kanda, Moore remained unfazed. "Make it short," she ordered.

Alma nodded hastily, withdrew his phone, and after a few swipes and clicks, presented his explanation to both Moore and Kanda.

On Alma's phone screen was a Tinder profile of… him? Teeth grinding, Kanda observed the picture of himself wielding his katana against the rabbit's stupid camera. Underneath the photo, read the caption of:

 _On the outside, I may appear like an angry and ruthless piece of shit, but like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying. So I'm not looking to date any pansy-ass faggots. Find me, stalk me, and if I approve, consider yourself my bitch._

"A friend of mine matched with him on Tinder, you see?" Alma explained, smile nervous. "Kanda and I were from the same foster home when we were little, so I was just trying to reconnect with him. I just wasn't sure how to approach him, but I didn't mean to seem like a stalker."

"I-I see…" Moore stammered, more shocked by the profile she'd just read, than touched by Alma's heartwarming story. Her eyes remained glued to Alma's phone screen.

"And what the fuck makes you think I want you around?!" Kanda demanded, eyes burning. Kanda wasn't sure whether he was more furious by the Tinder profile, or by the appearance of Alma, but his hands itched to snatch his katana back and butcher something.

" _Ohh Yuu-chan~!_ "

"Rabbit," Kanda hissed, seizing his katana while Moore was distracted, "You're dead meat."

* * *

 **A/N:** Wow. Haha. Don't worry too much about Lavi. They're inside a police station; the chances of him surviving are very much in his favor. This chapter was mainly an excuse to introduce Alma, because I love Alma. He shall now be included amongst their shenanigans. What do you guys think? Should he be added to the group chat? Should he get his own chapter? Let me know in a review please!(:


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